Comments on: Family Money – Fairness vs. Favoritism in Gifting, Wills and More http://www.darwinsfinance.com/family-money/ Financial Evolution: Education, Adaptation, Achievement Mon, 06 Feb 2012 15:43:23 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Lionesshttp://www.darwinsfinance.com/family-money/#comment-8346 Lioness Tue, 12 Apr 2011 16:07:37 +0000 http://www.darwinsfinance.com/?p=1235#comment-8346 My husband and I have six grown children. We will most likely be leaving them each the same share of whatever is in our estate. They are all different and have all attained different levels of success (and failure) in their lives. We have helped some more than others over the years, but when its time to divide the remaining investments, it will be done evenly. If they squander it, so be it. They will have no one to blame but themselves. My husband and I have six grown children. We will most likely be leaving them each the same share of whatever is in our estate. They are all different and have all attained different levels of success (and failure) in their lives. We have helped some more than others over the years, but when its time to divide the remaining investments, it will be done evenly. If they squander it, so be it. They will have no one to blame but themselves.

]]> By: jjhttp://www.darwinsfinance.com/family-money/#comment-7974 jj Fri, 21 Jan 2011 23:39:03 +0000 http://www.darwinsfinance.com/?p=1235#comment-7974 First, I must say that no one should expect an inheritance but if there is money given, I really hope that parents strive to be fair. I'm about to break off relations with my younger sister (baby of the family) due to years of favoritism. I'm not going into the story here. The reason I think parents should be fair in their will is that you don't know what will happen once you're gone. If my parents had passed away just 2 years ago and left more to my sister, it would have seemed fair since she has always earned less and does not plan well. However, this year I gave birth to a son with a handicap and suddenly my husband and I find ourselves in medical debt. While we have always been the responsible ones, we are now wishing we could get some help (though not expecting it). You just never know if tragedy or circumstances can drastically change for your children once you're gone. Plus years of favoritism only causes rifts in families. First, I must say that no one should expect an inheritance but if there is money given, I really hope that parents strive to be fair. I’m about to break off relations with my younger sister (baby of the family) due to years of favoritism. I’m not going into the story here. The reason I think parents should be fair in their will is that you don’t know what will happen once you’re gone. If my parents had passed away just 2 years ago and left more to my sister, it would have seemed fair since she has always earned less and does not plan well. However, this year I gave birth to a son with a handicap and suddenly my husband and I find ourselves in medical debt. While we have always been the responsible ones, we are now wishing we could get some help (though not expecting it). You just never know if tragedy or circumstances can drastically change for your children once you’re gone. Plus years of favoritism only causes rifts in families.

]]> By: Blacksheep Daughterhttp://www.darwinsfinance.com/family-money/#comment-7052 Blacksheep Daughter Mon, 15 Nov 2010 15:06:40 +0000 http://www.darwinsfinance.com/?p=1235#comment-7052 My elderly father suffers chronic failing health. He lives in his own home. He has two daughters. I am the ELDEST daughter. His YOUNGEST daughter, lives next door to him in a house that he owns. She pays miniscule rent if any at all, has been rescued from one financial tragedy to the next, had $200K+ worth of handouts over two decades whilst living off the single parent pension. She raised two children with different fathers, receiving alimony from both. She attained a BA and MA. My father supplemented her pension, doled out money hand over fist for two decades for both children's school fees, uniforms, clothing, shoes and made it possible for her to educate herself. She worked casually throughout the years. Her now 21yr old son & his 16yr old pregnant wife live with my father, waiting for him to die, so that they can inherit the family home. Well so the story goes in the local community. My sister's second child, an 18yr old lives at home with her, but enjoys cash handouts from my father as required. As the eldest daughter, I saved hard in my first job, & at 21yrs old, set off on a worldwide adventure of travel/work. I made numerous trips back home to visit my father, sister, nephew & niece (as mentioned above) at times living hand to mouth to do so. I spent hard-earned cash to send gifts home to the family and phoned and wrote to keep in touch. I found a sensible husband and we have settled in a neighbouring country. We are not poor, but we do have a biggish mortgage, and all the normal day-to-day living expenses. We have an autistic/ADHD/moderate intellectual disabled child, whom has enormous medical/therapy costs. My father once gifted airfares to me and his autistic grandson, but ceased doing this 3 years ago. He says he cannot afford it any longer. I can't afford to travel to see my family. I have not ever had any emotional/financial support from my father, nor has my special needs child. My child still plays with the only present given to him from my father, and it is broken. The psychological scarring from this disproportionate situation has taken its toll. Any dealings with my family are ambivalent and evasive. However, my father enjoys keeping me up to date on the imbalanced ledger. I have been under pyschiatric care for major depression for 12 years, and constantly question my "judgement" and "self". I struggle continuously to reason with the unfairness. I can't move on. The financial inequality is one thing, but the way my father's cruel behaviour makes me feel, and the divide it has caused between my sister and I, makes me so sad. I would appreciate any comments. (Identity withheld please) My elderly father suffers chronic failing health. He lives in his own home. He has two daughters. I am the ELDEST daughter. His YOUNGEST daughter, lives next door to him in a house that he owns. She pays miniscule rent if any at all, has been rescued from one financial tragedy to the next, had $200K+ worth of handouts over two decades whilst living off the single parent pension. She raised two children with different fathers, receiving alimony from both. She attained a BA and MA. My father supplemented her pension, doled out money hand over fist for two decades for both children’s school fees, uniforms, clothing, shoes and made it possible for her to educate herself. She worked casually throughout the years. Her now 21yr old son & his 16yr old pregnant wife live with my father, waiting for him to die, so that they can inherit the family home. Well so the story goes in the local community. My sister’s second child, an 18yr old lives at home with her, but enjoys cash handouts from my father as required.

As the eldest daughter, I saved hard in my first job, & at 21yrs old, set off on a worldwide adventure of travel/work. I made numerous trips back home to visit my father, sister, nephew & niece (as mentioned above) at times living hand to mouth to do so. I spent hard-earned cash to send gifts home to the family and phoned and wrote to keep in touch. I found a sensible husband and we have settled in a neighbouring country. We are not poor, but we do have a biggish mortgage, and all the normal day-to-day living expenses. We have an autistic/ADHD/moderate intellectual disabled child, whom has enormous medical/therapy costs. My father once gifted airfares to me and his autistic grandson, but ceased doing this 3 years ago. He says he cannot afford it any longer. I can’t afford to travel to see my family. I have not ever had any emotional/financial support from my father, nor has my special needs child. My child still plays with the only present given to him from my father, and it is broken.

The psychological scarring from this disproportionate situation has taken its toll. Any dealings with my family are ambivalent and evasive. However, my father enjoys keeping me up to date on the imbalanced ledger. I have been under pyschiatric care for major depression for 12 years, and constantly question my “judgement” and “self”. I struggle continuously to reason with the unfairness. I can’t move on. The financial inequality is one thing, but the way my father’s cruel behaviour makes me feel, and the divide it has caused between my sister and I, makes me so sad. I would appreciate any comments. (Identity withheld please)

]]> By: Natalie Kelleyhttp://www.darwinsfinance.com/family-money/#comment-6589 Natalie Kelley Sat, 07 Aug 2010 03:01:44 +0000 http://www.darwinsfinance.com/?p=1235#comment-6589 I am 42, married with 2 kids. When my husband and I got married, we literally had nothing more than a Coleman lantern, two sleeping bags and our educations. We have struggled and sacrificed for 15 years to build our own business. We have accomplished this completely on our own (NO parental help!) and have saved for our own retirement, not expecting any inheritance. I have a younger brother (39), married with 3 kids, who has spent just about every penny he has ever made. My parents have bailed him out of credit card problems and have subsidized his whole life -- they even liquidated $150K in cds to buy him a house with cash. I suppose it's important to say he is also employed by my dad and receives a decent salary, though is clearly not as "well off" as my husband and I. When my parents bought him the house, I honestly didn't know how to feel. In my mind the question loomed, "Why was it okay for my parents to watch me live in a rat-infested hovel and struggle to make ends meet, but NOT okay for my brother?" I still can't wrap my brain around it! The kicker came this weekend when my parents called to say they wanted us to go on a cruise with them and that they were paying for my brother's family to go, but that we would have to pay for our part of the cruise ourselves. When I asked why they were paying for my brother's trip they said that he can't afford it, but we can. I told my parents this hurts me and they responded, "You've had it in for your brother since you were three years old! You are jealous!" (That would be when he was born.) The truth is: I really love my brother, but I hate the divide that their favoritism puts between us. I am 42, married with 2 kids. When my husband and I got married, we literally had nothing more than a Coleman lantern, two sleeping bags and our educations. We have struggled and sacrificed for 15 years to build our own business. We have accomplished this completely on our own (NO parental help!) and have saved for our own retirement, not expecting any inheritance.

I have a younger brother (39), married with 3 kids, who has spent just about every penny he has ever made. My parents have bailed him out of credit card problems and have subsidized his whole life — they even liquidated $150K in cds to buy him a house with cash. I suppose it’s important to say he is also employed by my dad and receives a decent salary, though is clearly not as “well off” as my husband and I.

When my parents bought him the house, I honestly didn’t know how to feel. In my mind the question loomed, “Why was it okay for my parents to watch me live in a rat-infested hovel and struggle to make ends meet, but NOT okay for my brother?” I still can’t wrap my brain around it!

The kicker came this weekend when my parents called to say they wanted us to go on a cruise with them and that they were paying for my brother’s family to go, but that we would have to pay for our part of the cruise ourselves. When I asked why they were paying for my brother’s trip they said that he can’t afford it, but we can.

I told my parents this hurts me and they responded, “You’ve had it in for your brother since you were three years old! You are jealous!” (That would be when he was born.) The truth is: I really love my brother, but I hate the divide that their favoritism puts between us.

]]> By: Lauriehttp://www.darwinsfinance.com/family-money/#comment-3605 Laurie Thu, 31 Dec 2009 02:28:28 +0000 http://www.darwinsfinance.com/?p=1235#comment-3605 These are good scenarios that present a common moral predicament often faced by parents whose adult children don't fare equally well in life. I have rarely seen any articles on the topic of favoritism where the gifting is switched and the lion's share is given to the most successful child, while the one that struggles is neglected. I wonder how common that is and what the answer to that should be. These are good scenarios that present a common moral predicament often
faced by parents whose adult children don’t fare equally well in life. I have rarely seen any articles on the topic of favoritism where the gifting is switched and the lion’s share is given to the most successful child, while the one that struggles is neglected. I wonder how common that is and what the answer to that should be.

]]> By: Christian Personal Financehttp://www.darwinsfinance.com/family-money/#comment-2761 Christian Personal Finance Mon, 02 Nov 2009 15:27:21 +0000 http://www.darwinsfinance.com/?p=1235#comment-2761 <strong>Carnival of Money Stories...</strong> Happy Monday – it has been a busy weekend. Working on the new house – painting, cleaning, installing a sink in the basement, and installing a garage-door opener. The garage-door opener has been a bit of a challenge, but I always like a... Carnival of Money Stories…

Happy Monday – it has been a busy weekend. Working on the new house – painting, cleaning, installing a sink in the basement, and installing a garage-door opener. The garage-door opener has been a bit of a challenge, but I always like a…

]]> By: Four Pillarshttp://www.darwinsfinance.com/family-money/#comment-2756 Four Pillars Mon, 02 Nov 2009 04:14:54 +0000 http://www.darwinsfinance.com/?p=1235#comment-2756 Some interesting scenarios. I agree with Len - in the first scenario I would probably just split it equally. Although Len is right - the 'drifter' might just piss it away. Some interesting scenarios. I agree with Len – in the first scenario I would probably just split it equally. Although Len is right – the ‘drifter’ might just piss it away.

]]> By: The Best of the Best in Money and Personal Finance #8http://www.darwinsfinance.com/family-money/#comment-2751 The Best of the Best in Money and Personal Finance #8 Sun, 01 Nov 2009 23:12:08 +0000 http://www.darwinsfinance.com/?p=1235#comment-2751 [...] presents Family Money – Fairness vs. Favoritism in Gifting, Wills and More, posted at Darwin’s Finance, saying, “This article considers the controversial topic of [...] [...] presents Family Money – Fairness vs. Favoritism in Gifting, Wills and More, posted at Darwin’s Finance, saying, “This article considers the controversial topic of [...]

]]> By: Len Penzohttp://www.darwinsfinance.com/family-money/#comment-2736 Len Penzo Sat, 31 Oct 2009 18:50:11 +0000 http://www.darwinsfinance.com/?p=1235#comment-2736 I believe in fairness always (for the first two scenarios). The biggest risk in the first scenario is that the Drifter, having already proven himself to be personally irresponsible, would most likely quickly squander away the bulk of his inheritance anyway. Great article, Darwin! Len Len Penzo dot Com I believe in fairness always (for the first two scenarios).

The biggest risk in the first scenario is that the Drifter, having already proven himself to be personally irresponsible, would most likely quickly squander away the bulk of his inheritance anyway.

Great article, Darwin!

Len
Len Penzo dot Com

]]> By: Darwinhttp://www.darwinsfinance.com/family-money/#comment-2726 Darwin Sat, 31 Oct 2009 00:07:40 +0000 http://www.darwinsfinance.com/?p=1235#comment-2726 Good points - agree that nobody should go through life "expecting" any sort of inheritance. It's a ridiculous way to live and if you've lived responsibly, by the time you inherit something if your parents make it into their 70s or 80s, you shouldn't even notice the money anyway due to a lifetime of responsible saving/investing. Aside from that though, when the heirs are left looking at each other and seeing that they were treated very differently (deliberately) in the will, wouldn't you think that might foster some sort of resentment? In some cases, I presume one heir would be indifferent and wouldn't care. In other cases, I think they'd wonder whether it was fair - whether they needed the money or not. Good points – agree that nobody should go through life “expecting” any sort of inheritance. It’s a ridiculous way to live and if you’ve lived responsibly, by the time you inherit something if your parents make it into their 70s or 80s, you shouldn’t even notice the money anyway due to a lifetime of responsible saving/investing.

Aside from that though, when the heirs are left looking at each other and seeing that they were treated very differently (deliberately) in the will, wouldn’t you think that might foster some sort of resentment? In some cases, I presume one heir would be indifferent and wouldn’t care. In other cases, I think they’d wonder whether it was fair – whether they needed the money or not.

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